You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
