okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize