It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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