There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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