I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
