Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
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