I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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