my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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