Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
