I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
