The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Plan B is the new Plan A
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
