The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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