Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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