The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
