y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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