SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
