you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
