True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
