omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
