Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
