One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
