I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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