I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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