your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i just sent this text using only my big toe
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
