im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
