I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
