Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Just high enough for therapy.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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