I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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