u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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