I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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