Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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