dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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