apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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