I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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