I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
