hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
