I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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