is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
