My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
