dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
