Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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