I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
