How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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