I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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