there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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