Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
