I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
