oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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