Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
