Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
