drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
There r osticjed everywhere
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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