I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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