Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
