I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
