god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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