im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
