If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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