I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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